• Jumped on top of wide receiver Manuel Johnson after scoring against Texas on Saturday.
• Tried to earfuck Johnson.
• Gave birth to gave birth to a 6-foot, 183-pound man with a football helmet on.
• Asked Johnson, “Hey, wanna feel what’s gonna happen to our asses at the end of this game?”

Look at this advertisement and read the words twice: Once in a strictly baseball context, and then again in a sexual context.

Yep, it only takes Chase Utley 15 seconds to splooge with when he lubes his wood with Vaseline.

With about four minutes left of the outdoor preseason game between Phoenix and Denver last night, Charles Barkley announced:

“I’m voting for Obama. I can’t believe what the red people have done to this country.”

But before you make the claim that this is just another black athlete (current or former) who supports the black presidential candidate because of skin tone, remember that Barkely denounced Republicans a couple of years ago.

Consider the fact that he is siding with the Democratic side more than the candidate itself.

After that, smack yourself and go ahead, make the claim that he’s just another black athlete who supports the black presidential candidate, no matter what side he’s on. After all, the locker room and the Pentagon aren’t as disengaged as some may think.

Then when you’re done with that, remember that what Barkely says really shouldn’t be taken too seriously because, well, he says some wacky shit.

After the outdoor game, when it was announced that was 59 degrees outside, Barkely said it was “cold as Hell.” Which makes sense, what with all those icicles hanging from the ceiling of Hell.

When people think hockey mom, they think of words like:

• butch
• rugged
• unshaven
• chewing tobacco.

Sarah Palin is neither of those, and maybe because of that, she wasn’t very well-received at the Flyers game. (Or maybe it’s the fact that she’s a dumb fuckhead VP candidate).

At least she didn’t pull a Chase Utley: “Boo? Fuck you.”

“Uhhh. . . I think you put that shiny thing upside down”

Credit.

The Mets crumbled this season but that doesn’t mean this guy can’t drool over John Maine. Creepy, sure. But funny, most definitely. 

Props to our Nerdy McFly guys for the find.

Last week, our intelligence concluded that Tampa Bay Rays fans really, really suck. If a soccer mom and a douchebag had a baby, then a bandwagon-jumper and an awkward creepy dude had a baby, then those two kids had a kid . . . that would be the Rays Nation DNA.

Upon further review, we were right. Obviously:

Quite possibly the lamest mofos in professional sports history. Oh, who are we shitting. They are the worst.